Signs Along the Road



Core Stories

 

I followed a hunch  - looked up 'core stories' in Writing as a Road to Self-Discovery by Barry Lane (1993, Writers Digest Books, Ohio): 'A core story is an essential story that replays itself over and over again in your life with different characters and different settings. We find our core stories by learning to stand back and see the patterns in the stories we tell over the years. Finding our core stories can help us get a handle on the central questions of our lives and begin to answer them.' I'm driven to go back to an episode from my childhood as present circumstances, and the feelings that have come up, have a strong correspondence. There's a lot I don't know - then and now, so can only work with the little I do know. I'm in the dark, groping around to find my bearings. The quote I once heard: Character is what you are in the dark' comes to mind. Cold comfort. So, let us begin.

 

 

Game Plan (Present tense)

 

I am about 5 years old. A friend of the family - a much cherished lady I'll call T - invites me and my brother to her house to play Monopoly. We have just set up the board and chosen our pieces when the door opens and two men come in. They just walk in unannounced. It feels strange. "Who are these men?" I ask. "Oh, they've just come to play with you", she says. The man swings a Big fob watch in front of my face: Your eyelids are getting heavy...That's as much as I can remember. My brother remembers up to that point, too. Years later I learned T ran a crèche for all the wrong reasons, amongst other horror stories. 

 

 

Echo Warrior

 

Once upon a time a lovely lady invited me out for the day. We set out our picnic. Two male friends of hers arrived unannounced. Nice chaps, but I changed from happy and sunny to closed and afraid. Inexplicable. I was at a loss to know what to do about it. My friend was perplexed; embarrassed at my behaviour and referred to it later. I had no idea what to say, couldn't explain the radical change. I'd let down a new friend: made a fool of myself. Similarly - many years earlier - a girl I met wanted to show me off to her friend as funny and outrageous.  We waited in the restaurant. He arrived and sat opposite me. Instantly I became mute and painfully awkward for the entire evening. I disappeared before their very eyes.....

 

Key Elements

 

A woman I like and trust. Playing games. Being set up. Deception. Game plans. Other people knowing what's going on while I have no idea. Abuse of trust. Two things going on at the same time: the cover story, and the real story. Innocence. Being programmed to forget. Being affected and influenced by a past event: living in the darkness of its shadow. The lovely 'fun' thing proving to be the dangerous threatening thing. Old ground. Old territory. Stuck. Hence the current repeat. I need a fresh perspective, but what? How? Intuition is question-led, so now I watch and wait for creative solutions.

 

 

 

Acrostic Diagnostic

Weird & Wonderful

When I'm puzzled or perplexed about an incident or issue, or want to start a poem and don't quite know what to say, I've found it's helpful to use acrostics to generate quick-quick thought-material I can work with. They're good Insight-Generators: Why was that particular comment / person / incident sooooo upsetting? What does future, friendship, or fun mean - deep down, behind all the defensive, deflective reactions and practiced behaviours? Acrostics can reveal secrets stubbornly hidden from oneself, and others, long buried under years of unthinking habit. Work quickly for best effect - don't think. Begin with the trigger-word and wait - the Aha! will make itself known.

 

 

 

Live & (Re)Learn:

 

Randomly riffling through old diaries I found an acrostic from years ago - shock-surprise - it speaks of Now:

Begin at the beginning -

Exactly where would that be, then?

Time is immaterial - once it's happened -
     it stays with you, in you, about you.

Running away won't help your condition

Acceptance is the only possible means

         of attempting a workable solution

You have to start with what you'd like to

             escape from: yield to it.

Attitude - what you tell yourself about it
               will determine how you feel       

Look at it from all angles - Learn from it -
                        or it will be repeated  

 

 

Life Labyrinth: A Spiral-Bound Diary of Events:

Many of the diary entries chanced on today have read like 'reruns'. Although there are years between the acrostic event above (which I no longer remember) and my current crisis, the  feelings are the same although the venue, situation and players are different. Like a repeating dream I need to 'get' what this is about to finally put it to rest like the troubled ghost that it is; try to track back to the original slaughter whenever that was, and meet myself there....

 

Opportunity Knocks

Hard to deal with the darkness of past experiences, especially when I've  assiduously walled them up and walked away, but truth is that sealed up pain has wreaked a lot of damage, and this present resonance / echo is a call to do some  necessary refurbishment, to finally be free of the heavy negative hold it's had to date. Attempts at trying to cover up these unresolved issues and pain I suspect has affected others on some level anyway - leaking out like radiation - silent, toxic: not the best conditions for any relationship to thrive. Time to make real changes - for a good prognosis.  

Dr. Inkwell at Your Service

 

 

I shall be seeking out tools and resources to effect healing changes: art, writing, imagework, the use of symbols, intuitive exercises - anything!  It may prove radical. It could get messy, but, hey, I'm going in.....



Journalease

Righting Wrongs: Writing Wrongs (and, What's wrong with being 'wrong' anyway?) Heartening to come across some juicy quotes in Sark's Succulent Wild Woman: 'The journal is a witness, an unconditional friend, a soul teacher. Sometimes we just complain. Writing out the dark thoughts lessens their power. Having conversations with ourselves in journals gives us chances to work things out in private. We collect and form our own history (and her story) with journals...Whatever coaxes us out of hiding, to write, record, and express, is a revolutionary act. It says that we believe our lives count. Our lives do count...It doesn't matter what you write in a journal. It matters that it is yours.' But, of course, reading the published diaries of others can be an inspiration also. Make an art of it - spread your wings and include: pictures, sketches, quotes, cuttings from magazines....

3-Page Trick:

 

Morning Pages - as suggested by Dorothea Brande & Julia Cameron. What are they? '3 pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing done first thing in the morning. There is no wrong way to do it...they're not even 'writing'. They are about anything and everything that crosses your mind - and they're for your eyes only. MP provide clarity, comfort, cajole, prioritize and synchronize your day at hand.' They may also be uncomfortable, raise awkward questions, trigger pain or bring great insight. They are your commitment to you. They clear your system to keep you healthy.

 

Mistakes or Miss-takes    

                   

It really helps to loosen up the creative process to play - with ideas, colour, form, different viewpoints, different media - making the most of having the freedom to experiment. Crafting, editing, refining, polishing, and rearranging can all come later - time is, after all, one of the best editing tools, offering a sense of perspective. Morning pages, sketchbooks, creative free-fall, and journals can all play their part in the process. And, as in Art - so in Life:

  

The Reveal - The Trick in the Tale:

 

To quote Sark again: "Women are often preoccupied with perfection and miss out on the mistake-making process. We start with a vision in our imagination - then try to translate it into paint, clay, crayon, pastel, dance or song....We need to make more mistakes! As women, and people, and especially creatively...In order to have our creative voice heard, we must speak - even if we are unsure about what to say. Dare to make more mistakes! Laugh at perfection! Your mistakes are treasures and so are you!"

Funny how  we sometimes need to see or hear it from someone else first, almost as though we need 'permission' to 'go and do thou likewise'. Even when we know this stuff it's easy to forget; so it's good to have these reminders. I'm grateful for these intrepid pioneers whose steps I can follow, before forging my own path in my own way. Can we ever really 'go wrong'? After any miss-turn - word on the street is: Recalculating...and really, the only way 'there' is from where we are Now.

Enjoy the Journey - enjoy the Journal - they are one and the same after all.

Flip-Flap: Flagging Up A Change of Perspective

Flap Attack

The image I've always had when I've felt panicked is of a flapping bird trapped inside a building unable to free itself: it not only captures my own feeling, but addresses how my panic affects those around me. Trying to free a distressed bird while it's desperately flapping is scary. It makes sense that some people would prefer to stay clear, and yet help is still needed.

 

I was talking to a healer friend about a  situation I'm struggling with, she told me to locate any stuck energy and use visual imagery to introduce movement to the area / issue. Previously I'd always thought of introducing light - movement brought a whole new perspective.

 

 

 

 

The Answer, My Friend, Is Blowing in the Wind:

 

The image of a Tibetan Prayer flag came to mind - this too flaps wildly, but has an entirely different feeling-association. As I knew nothing about them I decided to do a little research... the prayers written on the surface of the flags, which are sensitive to the slightest movement of the wind, are spread by the action of the wind passing over them - to  benefit all in the surrounding area with peace, compassion, strength, wisdom.

 

 

 

Who would live in a flag like this?

 

Usually in the centre is a Lung Ta a powerful wind horse with jewels on its back. 'Ta' is a symbol of speed and the transformation of bad fortune to good fortune. I love this concept - it's something I always endeavour to bring it about - often having to rely on prayer to achieve it. Also included on these flags are mantras and prayers for long life, along with The Four Dignities at each corner - 4 powerful animals...

 

 

 

Enter the Dragon:

 

According to www.viewonbuddhism.org - 'Dragon thunders in the sky with the sound of compassion that awakens us from delusion and increases what we know through hearing. They have the power of complete communication'; and, apparently, displayed on a banner 'protects one from slander and enhances one's reputation' - good to know.

 

It seemed to fit my current situation beautifully: a good start. I was keen to learn more about the others...

 

 

Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright:

 

Tiger 'symbolizes unconditional confidence, disciplined awareness, kindness, and modesty; is relaxed, yet energized, resting in a gentle state of being that has a natural sense of satisfaction and fulfilment. It refers to a state of enlightenment'.

 

Just reading about it, gave me a lift and, again, felt quite fitting. A wild creature - a 'Big Cat'. Seriously Awesome and yet gentle and kind - a 'crazy' kind of mix.

 

 

 

 

 

Snow Joke:

 

Great to learn the Snow Lion 'represents unconditional cheerfulness; a mind free of doubt that's clear and precise'. This puppet version  makes me think of a friend who makes and uses puppets, and who's been a great support. The Snow Lion also has 'a beauty and dignity resulting from a body & mind that are synchronized. It has a youthful, vibrant energy of goodness and a natural sense of delight. It's main quality is fearlessness'. I remember a radio article about New York cops being trained to include humour to deflect potential trouble. I remember, too, the mug shots of gypsies at Auschwitz - their shock of wild hair and grinning faces, which inspired a poem 2 years after seeing them. They appeared to be amused by their 'captors'.

 

 

The Garuda Triangle

 

Magical, Mythical - The Garuda 'has the golden body of a strong man, white face, red wings, an eagle's beak, and wears a crown. It can easily tackle snakes and is used against its venom, and is able to remove all kinds of evil'. Good to know. 'It's daring and fearless; with great strength and power it soars beyond without holding back. It symbolizes freedom from hopes and fears; the vast mind without a reference point. It is a powerful antidote to the negative influences of nagas (spirits) which can cause disease and all sorts of harm. It's main quality is wisdom'. Another 'crazy' mix of qualities - a collage of attributes - a patchwork beast!

 

I liked the spirit of these creatures - and their 4-square position - like guardians at every corner. Better yet, I learned I could include....

 

 

 

The 3 Symbols of Victory Against Disharmony, Or, The Union of Enemies (I like that!)

 

These 3 mythical creatures symbolizing universal love are a pairing of 6 traditional enemies:

 

a snow lion with a garuda head; an otter body with the head of a fish; and the merging of a crocodile with a sea snail - these placed on a Victory Banner are for the reconciliation of disharmony and disagreement.

 

Being in a current flap - I want these on my prayer flag!

 

Just as we're told Excitement is the flip side of Fear - I've loved discovering this change of perspective where 'being in a flap' is now experienced as a movement that has great power and purpose. That thought in itself is calming and reassuring.

 

Thank you Ja'been (& Gabriel) for facilitating this turnaround in my thinking-experience.

Go, Banana!

I was reading through a chapter about Power Symbols in Rosemary Altea's book: 'You Own The Power - Stories and Exercises to Inspire and Unleash the Force Within'. I can't imagine too many people these days would own a 'lucky' rabbit's foot, but some might still hold out for a 4-leaf clover. A cross is an obvious symbol of power for Christians, not that it gives you power, it 'simply empowers us, reminds us of the power we already own.' Rosemary outlines an exercise to find or discover, or further develop your own personal power symbol, drawing on the tradition of Native American Indians of a vision quest. I was stirred by the words: 'You are seeking a vision, a quest of great importance, searching for a symbol, a symbol of great energy, of great power, which you will be able to use all through your life and in any circumstance.' Wow! 

The next evening, I was walking to an event when what I'd been reading came back into mind...hmmm....What was my power symbol? That little quest-thought went out as I continued to walk along. I was interested to see what would turn up. Rosemary had said, 'Your vision quest may take you no more than a few minutes, or it may take days or weeks.' . I took a few steps further and there on the pavement was - a banana. Really? Really?!! 

The thing about a symbol is that it's packed with meaning - lots and lots of filo pastry like layers - the way dream symbols can have several meanings and off-shoot connections; the way a word can several resonances of association in a poem. So, given my banana - how did I relate to that - personally? 

A few weeks earlier I had told a group of fellow budding journalists that it had been my nickname at school (my brother still occasionally calls me by that name). I couldn't believe it when I came across a book a writer called Banana Yashimoto - what a Brilliant Name! She owned it - made it a success; it wasn't something foisted on her as a way of diminishing her power - or perhaps it had started that way and she'd turned it around? The same way the Impressionists turned their 'disparaging' description around to serve them - the same way folk have turned 'Queer' into a self-proclaiming torch-light. Power. 

When I came home later that evening, I remembered years earlier I'd found, and kept, a banana symbol lying on the grass at the start of a walk from Hove Park: bright yellow plastic - it had stood out so starkly and was so 'misplaced' it made me wonder. It had the quality of a dream symbol - that maddening specificity, only what does it mean? 

Maybe finding the symbol takes minutes, and the real vision quest is the bit that takes time - to work out the significance? Or maybe I'm just bananas?

I came across an interesting article by Marina Warner about The Biography of a Banana. The association with slapstick pratfalls (I was glad my banana was intact: no slip-ups, no public shame, thank you!); the sexual connotations etc. She also added a great story from Indonesia that explains why parents give birth to children who then succeed them, and so the process repeats - all from the choice the first couple made to refuse the gift of a stone from God, preferring His alternative - the banana (both gifts were lowered down to them on a rope - cute detail!). 

Further research yielded the fact that for the Chinese, a banana offered on an altar would signify a wish for education, and brilliance at work, or school. Excellent! Elsewhere I learned it was a symbol of fertility, potency, and prosperity. But as with dream symbols, it's always best to tap into one's own personal associations.

So, I shall hold my banana in mind - see if it yields any other clues. i know from doing intuitive exercises in the past that it's important to really milk the symbols, or objects for all their worth: size; shape; colour; origin; weight etc; then take it a stage further, by considering personal associations: memories; dreams; incidents; anecdotes etc; then a stage further still, more detached, looking at the object as though an alien and not knowing it's true purpose or significance - opening the way for a broader understanding, for example a banana can be used to create a SMILE - when held in front of the face - a prop for acting. If monkeys had a jungle equivalent of the Olympics, might banana throwing be one of their events? 

On my found banana is a sticker - it's a Fairtrade banana, from Panama, with FFLF0042 printed on it. Strange, really, to have such a gloriously free and natural fruit be stamped by the mark of industry and ownership. the business of bananas. From Panama to Hove: that's quite a journey. A banana holiday, or working holiday, which is actually what I would like to do myself: to make holidays pay! Someone lost, or dropped this banana. Did they realize? Did they leave it once it hit the pavement, now considered 'dirty'? It's a marked banana, but it's what's on the inside that counts. inside it's clean, and pure and beautifully intact (i'm sure). It has a thick skin - something I aspire to! Maybe that's a message to me to keep in mind? It's a funny fruit - it can't help it - the smile it can imitate is keyed into its whole being - it's just Not like an apple or pear - it's awkwardly, innocently sexual whether it likes it or not - it's a lewd fruit! And this one is an individual - out on it's own - in Brighton. 

www.nationsonline.org - food symbolism

www.photovault.com - ditto

www.independent.co.uk/The BiographyofaBanana

www.christiansymbols.net

The Life Symbolic

Life as a Poet-Artist means viewing the world as full of symbolic meaning: metaphors that add an extra dimension, and insights, to my daily thought-life.

I often use an intuitive exercise I picked up some time ago; asking a question; letting it go, then letting the 'answers' - insights - make themselves known to me in the objects or signs / messages I come across thereafter.

I love the power of 'Random'.

the 'answers' are everywhere...

So, what am I to do with my life? What is my Purpose?