That is, those of Dorothy Rowe, whose book* I picked up and opened at random to reveal: "When something happens to us which surprises, shakes or frightens us we begin a process whereby we have to deal the emotions aroused in us. Denying our feelings, or saying, 'I'm upset,' without knowing whether 'upset' means feeling angry or feeling frightened, prevents the first step in mastery, which is the acknowledgement and naming of feelings. Only then can the feelings be dealt with in an appropriate way, first, perhaps, by crying, shouting, and then as the pressure of the feeling subsides, by thinking over what has occurred, establishing its meaning, looking for its implications...." Today I was surprised by a strange agitation. what was it? Anger. It's been a while since I've felt any, this is a delayed reaction to an upsetting event 5 days earlier: slow-burn. Beneath the anger: tears, sadness, the pain of feeling deceived by friends. A well of grief. A backlog of emotion.
Hear Me Out
She goes on to talk about the value of 'having someone there who can tolerate the sight of our pain, listen as we tell our story (perhaps over and over to help the emotion aroused subside), act as a sounding board for our ponderings without criticizing and advising us, remind us of our worth if the event has reduced our self-esteem, and, if the experience to be mastered is a loss, accept our sorrow and understand that our grief may be with us for a very long time." Failing that 'someone' a journal is the nearest substitute; expressing oneself as fully as possible through speaking out your thoughts and feelings aloud (so you can hear what you're saying), and adding expressive movement (stamping, whacking a pillow etc) might also help. It's hard being that 'someone' for yourself, it is possible, but not ideal; there is immense value in being heard and understood; the recipient of someone's warm regard.
Break Through
The value in feeling those things you don't want to feel, or face up to, is while the experience may be intense, it's usually fairly short-lived (though there may be subsequent waves or after-shocks), and once assimilated and integrated there is less likelihood the pattern will be repeated, after all, you've now got the message. It frees up emotional and psychological space for other things, other people. The ability to move forward is eased considerably; you have a greater understanding of your self, and your self in relation to others. It's usually a crisis that precipitates this enforced process; it may be more beneficial to adopt a periodical review; a practice of looking back on your day: is there anything you'd have done differently? Something you wish you'd said, or wish you hadn't? Not as an act of self-recrimination, but with a spirit of compassion.
* The Successful Self - Freeing Our Hidden Inner Strengths, Dorothy Rowe, 1993, Harper Collins, London.
