Core Stories
I followed a hunch - looked up 'core stories' in Writing as a Road to Self-Discovery by Barry Lane (1993, Writers Digest Books, Ohio): 'A core story is an essential story that replays itself over and over again in your life with different characters and different settings. We find our core stories by learning to stand back and see the patterns in the stories we tell over the years. Finding our core stories can help us get a handle on the central questions of our lives and begin to answer them.' I'm driven to go back to an episode from my childhood as present circumstances, and the feelings that have come up, have a strong correspondence. There's a lot I don't know - then and now, so can only work with the little I do know. I'm in the dark, groping around to find my bearings. The quote I once heard: Character is what you are in the dark' comes to mind. Cold comfort. So, let us begin.
Game Plan (Present tense)
I am about 5 years old. A friend of the family - a much cherished lady I'll call T - invites me and my brother to her house to play Monopoly. We have just set up the board and chosen our pieces when the door opens and two men come in. They just walk in unannounced. It feels strange. "Who are these men?" I ask. "Oh, they've just come to play with you", she says. The man swings a Big fob watch in front of my face: Your eyelids are getting heavy...That's as much as I can remember. My brother remembers up to that point, too. Years later I learned T ran a crèche for all the wrong reasons, amongst other horror stories.
Echo Warrior
Once upon a time a lovely lady invited me out for the day. We set out our picnic. Two male friends of hers arrived unannounced. Nice chaps, but I changed from happy and sunny to closed and afraid. Inexplicable. I was at a loss to know what to do about it. My friend was perplexed; embarrassed at my behaviour and referred to it later. I had no idea what to say, couldn't explain the radical change. I'd let down a new friend: made a fool of myself. Similarly - many years earlier - a girl I met wanted to show me off to her friend as funny and outrageous. We waited in the restaurant. He arrived and sat opposite me. Instantly I became mute and painfully awkward for the entire evening. I disappeared before their very eyes.....
Key Elements
A woman I like and trust. Playing games. Being set up. Deception. Game plans. Other people knowing what's going on while I have no idea. Abuse of trust. Two things going on at the same time: the cover story, and the real story. Innocence. Being programmed to forget. Being affected and influenced by a past event: living in the darkness of its shadow. The lovely 'fun' thing proving to be the dangerous threatening thing. Old ground. Old territory. Stuck. Hence the current repeat. I need a fresh perspective, but what? How? Intuition is question-led, so now I watch and wait for creative solutions.
