While I've related details of stories from my childhood I'm aware the feeling content is missing, reminding me of a friend recounting her rohipnol experience. That same neutral air made us stagger, feeling the fearful horror she couldn't feel herself. She said how grateful she was she'd survived to tell the tale and could warn her daughter. Shocking. Chilling. We felt for her. Now, coming home to myself, and the traumatic experience I have spent a lifetime avoiding, means I am feeling all those things I never wanted to feel back then. Current events have triggered an annihilating fear of being at the mercy of others' amused cruelty; plus the isolation of not being able to talk to anyone about what hurts so. A new old drama: 'Once more with feeling.'
Point of Phew! And All That Jazz
Coming home away from all outside distractions sitting in my kitchen knitting and listening to jazz (how had I forgotten I loved jazz that much?)yielded so many treasures and an unexpected feeling of deep peace I could never have imagined possible, but any time I tried telling anyone about the situation 'out there' all my serenity would disappear leaving me agitated and anxious: a curious side-by-side feeling of peace and panic. I fully experienced how what you focus on determines how you feel at any given time. I spent a lot of time looking for the good in the situation. Going out yesterday to visit a friend knocked me back - way back to a very dark place. There is no escape. Hallo Darkness my old friend....
Emotional-Psychological Onesie
Unable to turn to anyone I found something on the internet that helped * I learned it wasn't helpful to think in of wanting to 'get rid of' the situation and how I felt about it, rather I needed to integrate it, which feels like disintegrating: 'What we label "fear" is really just energy – OUR energy...You are energy; fear is energy...made out of exactly the same "substance" you are made of: pure energy. To try to get rid of it perpetuates suffering because it is an attempt to divide ourSelf from ourSelf... '
Perspective Detective
'...there IS no outside. We are always walking around in our own mind. Our life is like a movie and our mind is the movie projector...Whatever is within the unconscious mind projects out and creates all our experience: thoughts, emotions, body sensations, and circumstances. An event doesn't cause upset within you. Instead, the upset that is already within you from false beliefs about yourself creates events that reflect those pre-existing beliefs. A seemingly "outer" upsetting event is like a mirror. It brings the painful beliefs, and the resulting uncomfortable emotions that arise from them, (all of which was ALREADY here within you), up and out of your unconscious mind and into your conscious awareness.' A bit brain-noodling, but important to take on board because: 'To try to get rid of ANYTHING arising within us is trying to make part of our SELF go away. This pulling away from ourself perpetuates suffering...
'...As we shift our intention to embracing what we experience rather than trying to get rid of it, we begin simply with the sensations of separation that appear in the body in form of "uncomfortable" feelings / perceptions. As we turn toward them rather than away from them, there is a mental shift away from trying to divide from ourSelf, and toward recognizing and experiencing our Oneness. The unity of that recognition then echoes out to the body and emotions and the tensions of suffering begin to dissipate on their own'... Well, we shall have to see about that: watch this space...