About Time: About Now

Look - Don't Look - Look Again

'In the dark' as I am, casting around for answers: I want to know; I don't want to know: I'm covering my eyes at the scary scenes. Today I came across this*: "Observe yourself, and as your eyes gradually become accustomed to the dark, you will see your manipulation of others. You are the cat rubbing at its owner's leg in calculated friendship. You might begin to see your fear that either keeps you hidden from action, or launches you into absurd aggression and hate. You might also begin to see your judgement of others. This condemnation depersonalises people, demeaning them, freeing you for all sorts of legitimate atrocity against them, whether mental, emotional, or physical, whether private or local or international. Manipulation, fear, control, and judgement - these are what you might see, as your eyes become accustomed to your hidden places. How could it be otherwise?" Hard to read and take in, but it's got to...

 

Come Up to Come Out

 

"Our secrets and evasions need to be allowed to surface freely for they are our teachers, much more than our supposed successes...If we do not allow things to surface, they will stay buried, with all the anger and spite of the judged and rejected." Essential, but uncomfortable - for ourselves and anyone we're connected to. This is where diaries, and therapists, come into their own. There's something about readiness that's important here: timing, and feeling we have loving support around us, a safe place to deal with this kind of stuff without going under.  We may fear the truth is too threatening to handle. When writing about difficult experiences, it's helpful to create a safe distance - take a step back, let the situation happen to someone else; if it's still 'too close to home', set the scene in another town; another era, even. These small simple steps can make a big difference: You are calling the shots on this occasion.

 

 

Happiness is an Inside Job

 

Also in the same book: "Another big moment in life is discovering that we are our own happiness. For happiness is neither an occasion nor a reaction, but a space within us...where all experiences and feelings can be received. This strong inner cavern can receive and hold the raw energy of any emotion our personality throws at us, whether it is disappointment, elation, guilt, sadness, jealously, or rage. The personality is a torrent of various and shifting energies. Yet this space within us is never waterlogged by emotions, for it is distinct from them, with its own prior identity. The space is permanent, the emotions passing. We do not live the emotions....

 

 

 

"It is important that this space can receive all energies in an unthreatened manner. It does not accept some and reject others. It notices, receives and accepts all. rejected energies are dangerous to our happiness as they tend to lodge within us, causing blockages in our being, effecting every level of health. But where there is space in the human soul all energies can be received, whatever their nature, they will cause us no ill, and may bring good. Negative energies will disperse harmlessly, while beautiful energies will percolate vibrantly through every fibre of our being:" The repeating notes each day seems to be about accepting everything, rejecting nothing: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 

* The Beautiful Life - Ten New Commandments, Because Life Could Be Better, Simon Parke, 2007, Bloomsbury, London

Mirror-Mirror

Re:Surface: Reflection

My random book-dip* today yielded this uncomfortable gem on how we use self-righteousness for a number of protective functions such as: "(i) It gives us a sense of superiority (albeit false) at a time when our self-esteem is very low (ii) It keeps us from having to look in the mirror and ask ourselves, 'How might I have contributed to the circumstances in my life that don't work?' at a time when we can't face the answer to that question (iii) It allows us to blame others, thus keeping us 'victims,' so we don't have to take action at a time when we are too frightened to act (iv) It serves as self-talk at a time when a part of us needs convincing." Ouch! It hurts to bump into your own shadow. "Who 'pushes your buttons'...?These people are direct reflections of your disowned self...simply look at each person and ask yourself, 'What part of my disowned self am I seeing in him (or her)?'"

 

 

Reflect: Retract

 

"It follows...that in order to gain peace with ourselves, we must not only get in touch with the best of who we are - our Higher Self - but we must also get in touch with what we consider the worst of who we are - our disowned self...not to punish ourselves, but to understand that to be human is to  be filled with polarities." She adds another point to reflect on: "...when people manifest their negative side, it is because they have had painful life experiences. Somewhere along the line they have been hurt, put down, and humiliated. No matter how outwardly 'successful' they may be, they have never been taught to feel good about themselves. They have never been taught that they make a difference. When we understand this, it makes it easier to have compassion for someone manifesting destructive behaviour." 'They', of course being a reflection of 'You': owning this is the only way to become whole, which is another term for healing, or 'recovery'.

 

 

Read It & Weep

 

It's helpful to read that: "As with any of our seemingly negative patterns, self-righteousness can be a wonderful teacher if we remember to pick up our mirror whenever self-righteousness rears its ugly head. There will always be a part of us that is insecure...but when we know what questions to ask ourselves in the face of our self-righteousness, we will come out winners in the end: What am I afraid to hear? Why am I feeling so insecure? What part of me is not feeling OK about itself? We might not always come up with answers immediately, but we can learn to say to ourselves: "I'm good enough, whether you agree with me or not...and so are you'..."Trust what you need to learn is within easy reach, perhaps just a book-dip away, or a kindly friend. It's easy to be a Saint in one's own domain, we need other people to be our mirrors to help us learn and grow, so we can...

 

 

Recover Respect: Sitting Pretty

 

"When we are able to reclaim our disowned selves, we no longer need to hold onto our self-righteousness. There's no longer anything to hide, from ourselves or others...In effect, we have to learn to be our own best friend and build ourselves up when we are down, pat ourselves on the back when we've done something right. We need to affirm and live into the idea that: 'I am a beautiful being who has much to contribute to this world.'...When this idea becomes an inner certainty, our self-righteousness 'miraculously' disappears. There is no longer any need to prove anything to anyone else since most of our prior arguments were only meant to convince ourselves that 'we are beautiful beings who have much to contribute to this world!' When we can get to this place of beauty within, we can also begin to drop our destructive competitiveness."

 

* Opening Our Hearts to Men, Susan Jeffers

 

Waves & Articles

In Other Words

That is, those of Dorothy Rowe, whose book* I picked up and opened at random to reveal: "When something happens to us which surprises, shakes or frightens us we begin a process whereby we have to deal the emotions aroused in us. Denying our feelings, or saying, 'I'm upset,' without knowing whether 'upset' means feeling angry or feeling frightened, prevents the first step in mastery, which is the acknowledgement and naming of feelings. Only then can the feelings be dealt with in an appropriate way, first, perhaps, by crying, shouting, and then as the pressure of the feeling subsides, by thinking over what has occurred, establishing its meaning, looking for its implications...." Today I was surprised by a strange agitation. what was it? Anger. It's been a while since I've felt any, this is a delayed reaction to an upsetting event 5 days earlier: slow-burn. Beneath the anger: tears, sadness, the pain of feeling deceived by friends. A well of grief. A backlog of emotion.

 

 

Hear Me Out

 

 

 

She goes on to talk about the value of 'having someone there who can tolerate the sight of our pain, listen as we tell our story (perhaps over and over to help the emotion aroused subside), act as a sounding board for our ponderings without criticizing and advising us, remind us of our worth if the event has reduced our self-esteem, and, if the experience to be mastered is a loss, accept our sorrow and understand that our grief may be with us for a very long time." Failing that 'someone' a journal is the nearest substitute; expressing oneself as fully as possible through speaking out your thoughts and feelings aloud (so you can hear what you're saying), and adding expressive movement (stamping, whacking a pillow etc) might also help. It's hard being that 'someone' for yourself, it is possible, but not ideal; there is immense value in being heard and understood; the recipient of someone's warm regard.

 

 

Break Through

 

The value in feeling those things you don't want to feel, or face up to, is while the experience may be intense, it's usually fairly short-lived (though there may be subsequent waves or after-shocks), and once assimilated and integrated there is less likelihood the pattern will be repeated, after all, you've now got the message. It frees up emotional and psychological space for other things, other people. The ability to move forward is eased considerably; you have a greater understanding of your self, and your self in relation to others. It's usually a crisis that precipitates this enforced process; it may be more beneficial to adopt a periodical review; a practice of looking back on your day: is there anything you'd have done differently? Something you wish you'd said, or wish you hadn't? Not as an act of self-recrimination, but with a spirit of compassion. 

 

 

 

* The Successful Self - Freeing Our Hidden Inner Strengths, Dorothy Rowe, 1993, Harper Collins, London.

Feel It to Heal It

Expose

Spotlight on shame: the fear of being seen; the focus of unwanted attention; everything cast in sharp polarities: light/dark; good/bad; self/shadow; projection/introspection. Not wanting to look, unable to face what's out there. Feeling trapped, unable to move. Fear. Hard to surrender to sleep, This morning I woke from bad dreams; breathing shallow; heart feeling as though it had developed a stitch.

 

 

First Aid

I  suffered severe panic attacks as a young student. Fortunately, I chanced upon a book by Dr. Mary Weeks who explained the physiological effects of hyperventilating and the fear-response. Once triggered there's little one can do but let the pulse race, mouth go dry, head spin, face go numb. It was a 'known thing'. So, when fear kicks in I imagine riding waves of panic on a surfboard, or floating on a cloud-lilo to facilitate relaxing. When a friend told me about their racing pulse, and nightly call-outs from an increasingly exasperated doctor, relaying the process was enough to calm them down, too. This morning I knew to deepen and lengthen my breathing - it automatically has a calming effect. I noticed a book I'd forgotten I had: The Courage to Heal - A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis. I like to believe you always have what you need already. It helps.

Compose

Jangled nerves are cacophonous, drowning everything out making it hard to think. To compose oneself begin by sitting still. Take up pen and paper, paints, or musical instrument. Imagine a kindly orchestra conductor: they have the situation in hand. Give your composition a name: Tempest would warrant strident discordant notes; Scream demands shrill tones - these things have their place: everything is exactly as it should be. Besides, now you're regarding these collective feelings as a creative expression, you are in control, this means you can make changes. Bravo!

 

 

Repose

 

What we tell ourselves determines how we feel and react: it's horribly easy to create fearful scenarios guaranteed to kick-start a fear response. Become your own film director. It's ok to have tension and mean characters, you are in control. Decide on a genre: sci-fi allows for super-powers; fantasy enables animals and trees to talk. Be creative with your crisis! Give it the Disney treatment: make your arch rival an overblown exaggerated character (they already are) laugh at the ludicrous comedy of it all. Bring on your champion. It may well be You.

 

 

 

To Play's the Day: Hop, Skip, and Jump

A Hopless Case?

Blank. And then a poem I wrote many years ago came to mind. It was borne of a writing exercise, in one of our regular weekly group sessions, using as many of the sentences we'd put into our collective hat. I was able to manage 6 of the 8 given....

 

 

 

CORRESPONDENT

 

I'm not sitting comfortably so how can I begin?

Perhaps if I choose a calm evening,

beyond screeching brakes of passing motorbikes,

draw the curtains in my sitting-room

(This does not represent unnecessary shyness)

I could take a moment to breathe in the dark,

until I'm finally ready to turn off the TV,

and sit back in my so-called easy chair.

 

I'll imagine my spine is a chute down which I'll tip -

the remnants of political debate I've just been watching

for the past half-hour, between a panel of invited guests

and studio audience - with all the usual nasty half-laughs,

jeers, and superior glances of contempt that pass

as media currency among sparkling young cretins.

 

It's hard to remain unaffected, but I'll just have to

kick out the pebble flipping in my hopscotch mind,

settle down, and down, to a quieter place - beyond

sniper fire, and thwarted peace talks in the Middle East,

and threats of train strikes in the capital at the weekend.

 

I'll tell myself I'm here - in a quiet road in deepest Hove,

geographically free of war zones, untouched, as yet,

by the disruption of communication breakdown.

Just an hour's drive from London, but

closer than I've ever been to

remembering.

 

Aye, Aye, Skipper

 

In the file I had just opened I found this next poem, which although was done years ago for an M.A. in Creative Writing & Personal Development, felt very pertinent to Now  (what goes around comes around?) using Brion Gysin's 'Cut up' technique on a newspaper article.

 

 

 

 

DISPATCHES (A CUT-UP EXERCISE)

 

We do not have democracy.

How can you when your life will be found out?

 

We feel restricted, arrested -

far more being found out on torture.

 

Meanwhile, a journal to cover these stories.

 

Despite the dangers, she is eager

to borderline-communicate reality as she sees it.

 

Through gritted:

"I am a bad joke - a woman divided, discarded."

 

Rear up and blab - resist the force.

 

She describes the chaos war has brought to her intelligence,

longs to go on documenting the situation

despite its narrow limits. 

 

 

Jump To It

 

Although  I'd hoped to play on the theme of playing games I was feeing a little battle weary by this time, so I looked for a 3rd poem guided by the 'Power of Three' (think Goldilocks, Little Pigs, Wise Men etc). I wanted someone else to help carry the load of the day, and to introduce a new note of some kind. I found the following by Naomi Shihab Nye:

 

 

 

 

KINDNESS

 

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

 

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

 

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing,

you must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

 

Then it is only kindness that makes any sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

It is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you everywhere

like a shadow or a friend.

 

(from Ten Poems To Open Your Heart).

 

When you don't know what you feel any more,

and don't know what to say -

there's  poetry.

Thank God.

 

Mission I'mpossible: Shift Happens

Perception Direction: Old & New Perspectives

While I've related details of stories from my childhood I'm aware the feeling content is missing, reminding me of a friend recounting her rohipnol experience. That same neutral air made us stagger, feeling the fearful horror she couldn't feel herself. She said how grateful she was she'd survived to tell the tale and could warn her daughter. Shocking. Chilling. We felt for her. Now, coming home to myself, and the traumatic experience I have spent a lifetime avoiding, means I am feeling all those things I never wanted to feel back then. Current events have triggered an annihilating fear of being at the mercy of others' amused cruelty;  plus the isolation of not being able to talk to anyone about what hurts so. A new old drama: 'Once more with feeling.' 

 

 

 Point of Phew! And All That Jazz

 

Coming home away from all outside distractions sitting in my kitchen knitting and listening to jazz (how had I forgotten I loved jazz that much?)yielded so many treasures and an unexpected feeling of deep peace I could never have imagined possible, but any time I tried telling anyone about the situation 'out there' all my serenity would disappear leaving me agitated and anxious: a curious side-by-side feeling of peace and panic. I fully experienced how what you focus on determines how you feel at any given time. I spent a lot of time looking for the good in the situation. Going out yesterday to visit a friend knocked me back - way back to a very dark place. There is no escape. Hallo Darkness my old friend....

 

 

 

 

Emotional-Psychological Onesie

 

Unable to turn to anyone I found something on the internet that helped * I learned it wasn't helpful to think in of wanting to 'get rid of' the situation and how I felt about it, rather I needed to integrate it, which feels like disintegrating: 'What we label "fear" is really just energy – OUR energy...You are energy; fear is energy...made out of exactly the same "substance" you are made of: pure energy. To try to get rid of it perpetuates suffering because it is an attempt to divide ourSelf from ourSelf... '

 

*http://www.wellbeingalignment.com/energy-healing-therapy.html

 

Perspective Detective

'...there IS no outside. We are always walking around in our own mind. Our life is like a movie and our mind is the movie projector...Whatever is within the unconscious mind projects out and creates all our experience: thoughts, emotions, body sensations, and circumstances. An event doesn't cause upset within you. Instead, the upset that is already within you from false beliefs about yourself creates events that reflect those pre-existing beliefs. A seemingly "outer" upsetting event is like a mirror. It brings the painful beliefs, and the resulting uncomfortable emotions that arise from them, (all of which was ALREADY here within you), up and out of your unconscious mind and into your conscious awareness.' A bit brain-noodling, but important to take on board because: 'To try to get rid of ANYTHING arising within us is trying to make part of our SELF go away. This pulling away from ourself perpetuates suffering...

 

'...As we shift our intention to embracing what we experience rather than trying to get rid of it, we begin simply with the sensations of separation that appear in the body in form of "uncomfortable" feelings / perceptions. As we turn toward them rather than away from them, there is a mental shift away from trying to divide from ourSelf, and toward recognizing and experiencing our Oneness. The unity of that recognition then echoes out to the body and emotions and the tensions of suffering begin to dissipate on their own'... Well, we shall have to see about that: watch this space...

 

House Proud

The Out House

Imagework by Dina Glouberman, suggests calmly centring oneself then simply asking within for an image of one's House of Relationships. Seeing how things are Now is an opportunity to make significant changes if required. Keen to try it, I immediately saw (in my mind's eye) a young girl with two 'helpers' holding her arms while she had a foot on each door jamb refusing to go in, the way only a child can refuse. Something terrible had obviously happened and she had no intention of returning. It shouldn't have been a surprise; I was familiar with Jung's use of the house as an archetype of the self, and had known for years I'd 'jumped out of the window of my own self' and was 'living in an out house, I just never figured out how to move back In. Until Now.

 

 

In-House Training

 

I got spooked on the outside: the only way out was in. I shut out the world  and went into retreat, a kind of soul vacation. I was in my own space with me 24/7. I liked it! I finished a lot of abandoned projects; created a peaceful writing oasis in my tiny cramped backyard garden;  learned key chord families (which I'd always meant to do); read; wrote my journals, and many letters to long-neglected friends. I came home. I threw out a lot: old items, old thoughts, and habits. Knitting became a Zen practice enabling me to sit with myself while I tackled personal demons; ghosts from the past that had returned with a vengeance. I experienced peace like I'd never felt before, while still feeling under threat and vulnerable. I committed to wholly supporting myself having no-one else to turn to: a different kind of busy - self-invested - rather than all the many usual outer distractions: a revelation. An intolerable crisis had once driven me out; the same had drove me in. Thank God.

 

Sitting Pretty
 

 

Working with clients struggling in the aftermath of sexual abuse I bear in mind two programmes I watched years earlier. One featured cleaners called in after tragic circumstances to remove blood, viscera, accumulated rubbish etc. Their remit is to ensure the place becomes wholly attractive once more - with no traces left of it's tragic past. The other featured a Life Laundry service, helping clients let go of hoarded 'stuff', discerning what to keep, and how to display 'treasures' otherwise hidden from view. The bonus was always a surprise make-over. I liked what both offered, and in my mind's eye would call upon such teams to help my own clients feel more comfortable in themselves: clearing away remaining vestiges of trauma, lessening the power of old associations, and creating sanctuary within. These teams work on other levels entirely, though yet may result in an outwardly tangible 'makeover' in the real world having experienced these changes within. 

 

House Proud

 

Years earlier, for a Twisted Fairy-tale exhibition, I created The Goldilocks Files  - a box set of altered, or treated, Goldilocks books. She seemed in search of a home; to get the feel of how other people lived, self-possessed creatures quite unlike herself. A trespasser; housebreaker, but without criminal intent as such. In search of nourishment, a place to sit, a safe place to sleep. She goes out there in search of this holy grail. Has anyone written about Goldilocks coming home to herself? The sequel? It was good to go through the books again - too long forgotten on a shelf. There are some still untouched that I may start working on. The thing about conjuring up these images, in whatever medium, is that they can be revisited and reworked. When I failed to enter my House of Relationships I opted for the Garden of Relationships instead - there's always a creative solution to every problem. Now that I've moved in to my Home-Self it would be good to unleash the artist-within. By chance today I discovered Katwise (www.katwise.com) who couldn't be more inspiring when it comes to decorating a house and making it exactly so...